It’s strange of me to do this I suppose but I’m writing a slightly more personal update of myself as I’m in the process of self reflection and I feel like talking through it will help me understand my issues a little bit better.
For the past few years I’ve felt stagnant in my life. As someone who had a fairly good time as a teenager, watching myself grow older into my early 20s has been somewhat traumatic. I gained weight and as Covid enveloped my existence five years ago, I began to feel as though the people in my life had begun the process of leaving me behind, and that I was condemned to become stagnant and alone, which caused me to feel an intense amount of isolation and sadness that I don’t think I’ve ever fully recovered from it even to this day.
After Covid subsided, I began doing things to prove that annoying part of my brain down. In 2021, I started this website, in 2022 I used this website to publish artworks of mine which, although weren’t masterpieces, were authentic to me. As The Worb subsided, in 2023 I began making music through the use of GarageBand and eventually FL Studio, which started because I realised that I could actually create full songs and publish them online.
Every time I start off on this adventure I find myself returning to a state of confusion and stagnation however, which is something that hasn’t gone away as much as I’ve tried.
Today, rather bluntly, I’m lying in bed sipping on a glass of Fireball as I reflect on my life and above everything realise the mistake of giving up mental space to worry when it isn’t needed.
I spend so much time worrying about things that aren’t relevant to me anymore, and breaking this cycle has been my goal for so long that leading a normal life outside of these boundaries feels like a daydream. I stand firm hoping that things may get better soon, I put myself through moments of mental toughness that aim to push myself through the odds – like no longer using social media because of the lowness I feel seeing how well people seem to be doing while I’m struggling, or abstaining from other things in my life that have left me feeling low.
Today is one such occasion where I have chosen to pick up these habits once again but because of the past five years of near constant failure in achieving this, I don’t feel as though this time is going to be a success.
To become successful in breaking through the things that have bonded me to the past and have caused me to feel miserable requires conquering extreme boredom and leaving behind the need to escape my life through the use of YouTube or other forms of crude entertainment. It’s a rewriting of the brain that causes headaches and an increased desire to do something that in the past when such moments occurred I had broken my habits and fell back down.
No I’m starting again for what feels like the 1000th time, hoping now at least that it doesn’t become 1001.
The Worb 